The news headlines are following me now. I can’t get away from them. I could just ignore them if they weren’t so FRIGGING STUPID. But today, the headline was more than stupid…it was DANGEROUS. Dangerous, I say. So I had to bring it to the attention of my female readers (all two of you), so that we could work our networking magic and stop this horrible trend that was started by the careless and totally self-serving wench, Kate Middleton.
Apparently, whenever Kate Middleton walks out the door, she starts a new trend. No matter what she’s wearing or not wearing, if she decides to do it, all women all over the world must copy her. So what’s the newest trend you and I are expected to start following? You’re not going to believe this, but it’s true.
We have to start wearing FUCKING PANTYHOSE again.
Goddammit Kate Middleton. What the frig is your problem? We women have been fighting in the trenches for years to get rid of those things. And then there you go…waltzing out of your palace and over to the United States – and you know how impressionable those chicks are over there, so you should have been more careful – wearing some stupid polyester/rayon/(probably silk) leg warmers in the middle of summer. What were you thinking?
The alert and undoubtedly award-winning journalist who brought this to the world’s attention mentioned that pantyhose are good for covering up cut-up legs from bad shaving jobs and the splotchiness of fake tans. Let’s ruminate on that for a second….
Okay, rumination over. What kind of an idiot fake tans, ruins the fake tan, and then decides, “Hmmm. I still want that sun-kissed look…what can I do?…WAIT! I KNOW! PANTYHOSE!” A dummy, that’s who.
And about the whole shaving cut thing? …here’s a tip: stop using disposable razors that suck. That’s easy. I recommend the Venus if anyone cares – I’ve NEVER have to wear pantyhose to cover up my cuts because I don’t have any. Then again, I only shave about every 3 days, so I probably have less incidence of razor cuts than someone like Kate Middleton who probably has a royal leg shaver person personally shave her twice a day. Or a royal waxer or a royal Nair-er, or a royal epilady-er. Whatever.
All I’m saying is that people like Kate Fucking Middleton have a greater responsibility to the women of the world. She needs to do a little history homework before she walks out the door, and learn what shit she should NOT be wearing, lest we’re all going to be pressured into wearing it again. Seriously, has she not seen any of the movies from the 80s?
Kate, if you’re out there, reading this (and bully for you if you are, because this blog is totally TIGHT), here is a list of things you should never, ever, EVER wear again:
- pantyhose! duh! of any color, of any material, of any style. Damn you Kate!
- shoulder pads
- high wasted jeans
- (I’m pretty sure you know this one, but then again, I thought you would have known about the pantyhose and look where that got us) a mullet
- high top sneakers with velcro straps
- leg warmers or leotards
- headbands, because you’re older than 10
- heels higher than 2 inches (thought I’d give this one a try anyway. She’s probably going to ignore this one since we know she trapped her husband wearing some stilettos and a see-through dress)
I hope she sees this list. Otherwise, next thing you know, she’s probably going to go around telling chicks it’s not cool to vote and that us women should start wearing pearls when we vacuum.